To Arms, Liberals!

Gym memberships are out, the latest to-die-for accessory is a militia membership. It is time for the Westside liberals to man (and woman) up.

According to news reports, Oklahoma is considering raising a state militia. Sean Murphy and Tim Talley spoke with Oklahoma’s Tea Party leaders and conservative lawmakers who consider a state militia a pretty good idea.

Frustrated by recent political setbacks, tea party leaders and some conservative members of the Oklahoma Legislature say they would like to create a new volunteer militia to help defend against what they believe are improper federal infringements on state sovereignty.

Tea party movement leaders say they’ve discussed the idea with several supportive lawmakers and hope to get legislation next year to recognize a new volunteer force. They say the unit would not resemble militia groups that have been raided for allegedly plotting attacks on law enforcement officers.

Following on the heels of the report of Oklahoma conservatives’ desire for a militia, Newt Gingrich anointed the Tea Party organization as the militant wing of the Republican Party. A statement he is redefining this week.

Newt Gingrich makes no apology for referring to the tea party’s future as a “militant wing of the Republican Party” during a speaking engagement in York, Pa., last week.

If the right is going to arm themselves, the liberal left should consider a militia strategy. So, if joining a militia is the 2010 equivalent to a gym membership in the 1990s, this straight grandmother is looking to the boys and girls in the Weho hood, West Hollywood. Gays spearheaded the join-the-gym movement; hopefully they will be ahead of the curve on militias.

I would begin recruiting on the streets of West Hollywood. My reasons are solid. If you want an event planned and executed professionally such as a neighborhood militia — you will need to turn everything over to a gay man. The military has been missing out for years. If ever I am forced to participate in an invasion, may it be planned by the bois in West Hollywood? Period. End of thought.

Everything runs on time and is perfectly orchestrated over at Town Hall in West Hollywood. In 2008, within a three month period, more than 8,000 couples were married, on time, as scheduled without a hitch.

Turn the problems in the mid-east over to a committee of gay people. Put them in a room, tell them they will be held until there is a solution, and leave them with a flyer from Trader Joe’s announcing a great sale that ends at sunset — you will have everything solved within two hours. Tops.

There would always be someone willing to work miracles in the kitchen. The WeHo chefs would feed thousands creatively and deliciously. Not in thousands of years have so many eaten as well.

The WeHo militia uniforms will become fashion statements. The outfits will turn up in fashion photos of international magazines. I would bet any uniform created in WeHo will show up on Paris runways. My uniform would be perfectly tailored to my assets or what there is left of them and it will perfectly match my complexion. There would be proper attire for every occasion; ceremonies, marching, skeet-shooting, bowling, training, and Broadway tunes. Invasion outfits will be issued on a need-to-have basis.

Think of the marching tunes the Weho Militia Marching Band would be a global hit, an overnight success, and would revive the television show, “Idol.” For engagements, the Band would always on time, perfectly dressed, and perfectly buff. Being fit is very important to gay people. I am not even sure that you are allowed to be gay if you are not physically fit.

Remember, one of Michael Steele’s favorite bondage/voyeur venues is in West Hollywood. This is the cosmopolitan village where it is illegal to harm a puppy by cutting off its tail or to declaw a kitten, but whips are legal.

Being a Liberal Militia, they will let anyone join: Venice hippies, actors and gypsies, roller-derby dolls, and sisters. Bring in the females, the divorced females, Mothers, grandmothers and granddaughters, lesbians, breast cancer survivors, retirees, nurses, the original foot soldiers of women’s liberation, the beatniks and poets — invite women past the age of forty-five with a little tarnish on their mettle and we could change the world. Turn no one away. There would always be someone to help when I have a bad hair day.

There would be lawyers, accountants, thousands of representatives of the professional world who truly understand intrigue and deception. And there would be Czars. The WeHo Militia would have wine czars, interior design czars, a yoga czar, a sugar czar, palates czar, and three hundred and seventy-three czars to take care of the environment, but first and foremost, everyone would be put to work, educated, and given health care. Because gays would be in charge, the militia will be run very efficiently.

If this silliness in America continues, let me declare that I stand with the gay world; the liberals and all those who believe as I do. You see, I have never understood why being different scares folks so much. We are all made differently. Throught the years of my life I have sat with many through tragedy and joy. I have attended too many funerals not to realize that no matter a person’s ethnic race; their color; or sexuality: all blood is red; all mothers cry for their children; all protect those we love; and like the stars in the sky and snowflakes, no two people are exactly alike. Yet, we are all made in God’s image.

There is a lot of talk these days about Thomas Jefferson and his fondness for militias. I looked up his quotes and read more than ten pages mentally counting noting the quotes on militias and arming Americans. He did make a bunch of quotes and believed that we should be armed. But there are as many quotes about how he hated war and that was really not the intent of militias, instead Jefferson calls much more for wisdom instead of war and anger. Here is one of my favorite Thomas Jefferson quotes, “It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are 20 gods or no God.”

So when I stand before the Great Eternal, I do not want to try to explain why I considered myself better than another. When the time of mysteries ends and questions are answered. I do not care to stand with those who turned their backs on those who were different. And that includes people who wear magic underwear.

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